Wednesday I will undergo a life changing surgery, one that I had no idea was even an option a year ago, and stands to improve my quality of life drastically. I do worry out of uncertainty, but I remind myself that it gets me nowhere, and it only gives energy to a negative outcome. I am certain this is the best chance for me to have a better quality of life. I am certain I have the best medical team I could hope for. I am certain I have a supportive group of friends and family behind me. I am certain I am ready for this. I am certain there was a lot of things that had to fall just into the right place to get me here. Hindsight and foresight are important; lack thereof is ignorance. However, if I am anywhere but here and now, I am missing the most important part, the only part I have any control of, the present.
I find throwing clay on the wheel reinforces this for me; If I'm not paying attention to the very time and place where I am at, I lose control... the more I deviate from the present, the more drastic the chaos is and the harder it is to get back in control. If I don't catch it soon enough, chaos prevails and it collapses or spins out of control. If I neglect it or forget it, it will dry out before it was finished, or get damaged before I have a chance to fire it. The thing that is easy to forget though is the impermanence of the clay. Until there is something so drastic as firing, the clay can be slaked and wedged back to workability. It's not immediate and it takes effort to get it there, perhaps longer and more difficult than I would have thought, but it's there if I give it the effort though.
It helps to think this all through, and writing about it really clarifies and solidifies it for me; it lets me step back, evaluate and identify where I really am at. I will come out of this with a new lease on life; a rebirth of sorts with new freedoms that will take getting used to. A new leg on the journey, with greater potential than I've ever imagined. A new beginning...
